Saturday, January 23, 2010

Life raft anyone?

Feeling a bit out of sorts lately. Those I used to count on to hold me above water are no longer doing so. Gotta take the floaties off eventually, right? I can't expect someone to always be there to help me tread water. Guess I'm just feeling completely and utterly alone right now. I spend my day ranting about my issues to absolute strangers. Those I used to call friends are far too busy for me these days and I haven't yet to make friends here.

I find that I keep putting off fixing myself. Whether it be trying to fix my self esteem, my weight or my social life. I keep saying I'll start on this date or when school starts or next month. And instead... I sit on the couch in my pajamas all day being all woe is me. Therapy, you say? Tried it. I go and then stop going when it gets deep. When we get past the petty bullshit and down to the facts of why I am the way I am. Anti depressants, you say? I like to feel. Even if it is a dull constant pain. Lets me know I'm alive at least. I did my time on anti depressants as zombie Liz. I was neither happy nor sad. I drifted through existence feeling nothing. I don't know anymore.