We finally made the trip to NYC. I, if you can actually believe it, planned the whole trip. Little ole me who has never rode public transportation or been in a large city mapped out the subways and locations of each attraction. We only got lost ONCE! I wish I could say I enjoyed myself 100% but I was too busy freaking out. I'm hoping our next visit will be much less stressful. Good thing we only live 45 minutes away.

In other news, I've made a friend. I wish I could express my excitement about this without coming off as an absolute creeper. Finally some estrogen!

I signed up for summer classes. I managed to snag two online class for Summer 1. After those two courses I'll have 1 or 2 classes before I've completed all my pre-requisites for Nursing. It feels like I'm almost done when really I'm just getting started. Either way-it feels like some sort of accomplishment.

School is getting better, I think. As I said in my last post, people are opening up. But maybe a bit too much. Especially this guy in my math class. He started off across the room saying nothing and has now gravitated to the desk next to me. He talks. He walks with me after class. He walks with me to the testing center. He stares. He smiles. We're both the oldest in our class 22-23 and both married. I can't figure out his angle- is he interested in friendship or looking for ass? But it's nice to have someone to talk to so I keep putting off the one conversation we probably need to have.

I got a job. It's not exactly the one I wanted but it's extra cash, close to home, easy and decent hours. I start next week.

The depression seems to be lessening. I'm sure it's a combination of school, getting a job, working out and the vitiman B complex pills.

School

I started yet another new school about a week and a half ago. I've been putting off writing about it because I figured I'd give it a chance. I can tell you that my first opinion of my newest community college is that's it's filled with fist bumping teenagers pretending to get an education while mentally categorizing who he/she will fuck first. I've been to three other colleges and yes... I know that most colleges are filled with brand new freshmen looking to party while occasionally showing up to class and sleeping at a desk but every college I've been to has had a pretty decent adult population. Not this one. Not anyone over the age of 21 in sight. I'm only 22 myself but I feel so much more mature. Just seems like they're all showing up because that's what mommy and daddy had planned for them and you know.. they're the ones shelling out the cash for it. While I *NEED* this to create the life I see for my family. I will tell you I came home the first day almost in tears. I was hoping to make friends but as far as first impressions go... I couldn't see myself relating to any of these people. Slowly people are starting to open up. I dunno. It's still iffy but I'm trying to keep my hopes high.


Completely unrelated... I'm either finding closure in something or clinging to it again for dear life. But little by little the anger is disappearing. Finally. After almost 4 years. I can feel the weight lifting off my shoulders. It's so nice. I've set my boundaries and I'm trying not to get myself all worked over something I know I can never let happen again or put too much stock into it just in case it slips away again.

Life raft anyone?

Feeling a bit out of sorts lately. Those I used to count on to hold me above water are no longer doing so. Gotta take the floaties off eventually, right? I can't expect someone to always be there to help me tread water. Guess I'm just feeling completely and utterly alone right now. I spend my day ranting about my issues to absolute strangers. Those I used to call friends are far too busy for me these days and I haven't yet to make friends here.

I find that I keep putting off fixing myself. Whether it be trying to fix my self esteem, my weight or my social life. I keep saying I'll start on this date or when school starts or next month. And instead... I sit on the couch in my pajamas all day being all woe is me. Therapy, you say? Tried it. I go and then stop going when it gets deep. When we get past the petty bullshit and down to the facts of why I am the way I am. Anti depressants, you say? I like to feel. Even if it is a dull constant pain. Lets me know I'm alive at least. I did my time on anti depressants as zombie Liz. I was neither happy nor sad. I drifted through existence feeling nothing. I don't know anymore.